Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
