Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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