my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
