I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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