this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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