Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
