If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
