pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
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