I want to have your abortion
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
