May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
