absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
