how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Randomize
