Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
