I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Randomize
