Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
