Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
