dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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