Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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