Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Randomize
