Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
