The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
