Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
