My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
