just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
