Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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