11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
