I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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