can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
