What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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