How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Randomize
