You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
