my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
