I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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