dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Randomize
