I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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