Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
