be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
