maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
