searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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