Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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