well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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