Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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