I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Randomize
