I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
