i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
