Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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