I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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