Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
