There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
last night I used snow as a chaser
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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