A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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