I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
