somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
